your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
