Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize