8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
