I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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