I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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