I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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