i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
