Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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