Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize