All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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