Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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