Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
