rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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