So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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