i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
