wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
