I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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