Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
