Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He kissed a someone with a penis
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
