My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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