just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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