hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
