I puked a lego.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
