allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
