I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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