I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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