The maid of honor just puked.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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