You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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