Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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