yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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