I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
