Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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