Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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