so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
