It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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