K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
