Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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