Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
