He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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