Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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