did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
