The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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