What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
