Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
