so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
