U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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