Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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