shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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