i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
