3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
