Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
