a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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