3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
