He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He passed out mid-signature
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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