I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
