i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
