I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
