Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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