i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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