I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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