jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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