Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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