drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
