I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
